XiA0NiCk's h3aveN

Didn't get to go for Bible Study. Dad was kind of against the timing, not against the program. Yeah so that's that.

Reached chng's place at 2. it's irony how long it takes for me to reach his place because i left at 11am from my place. okay, i slacked a bit at tampines central and not really focused in coming; i took the ride up to pasir ris from tampines before coming down to tanah merah because i'm tired and i tot i could make use of a bit of rest.

OKay.. so daniel was very efficent. He has prepared the slide for the singspiration already. And he has chosen some real funky songs! So interesting. Yeah... think we were done in about an hour. So i msged Dad whether i can go for BS at around 3;45pm; but he replied only at 6 29pm and asked me to reach home at 830pm which i don't know whether possible anot.

Anyway, during 3 to 6; think i was screwing around all over the place; from visiting David's fractured foot to surfing the net; chatting with fiona, florence and meelin;  and listening to more hip and more hillsongs. to prepare for next week singspiration. :p  Thank Daniel for putting in so much effort into choosing the songs and preparing the slides; so ppl pls come down and join us for more singing on 2nd july; we might be including a few of Galvin's songs; might only la.

Yeah nothing much else. Unless you counted in the fact that Jonathan was half-mad; i'm so comforted to have a responsible brother in him; there's nothing i need to hide from him; or rather nothing i CAN hide from him. :P; his madness is uncanny. David's hopping around now with one foot. He doens't need to rest on bed all the time le.

Fren's got a haircut. BUt i got to leave before she returned *sobx*.

Yeah... why so fat? I also don't know... that was the question in my mind one month ago... guess now's better... the jean's not so tight in me anymore. :
so ytd, church was okay... had fun. i shan't go into what i did before i go to church... i mean before i appear as usual... :p So yeah... er... sunday school... not bad la...

okay... youth ministry... bobby sng's msg: talked about Paul and Peter... more on Paul actually... about the extraordinary journey of the ordinary ppl... wow... i shan't elaborate too much... chng said want to summarise the msg in another manner... i was like ??? then when he told me he wanted to ask questions instead, then i was like !!! very funny... okay not bad.. the youths can answer... show that they listened to it more or less. but the impt thing is actually that they are able to leave the room and bring an important point home with them. i guess for now, that's enough.

Yeah... had youthcore meeting over lunch... set the mission statement le... yeah... after that we splited our ways --- lynette, mee and stan went somewhere else; jon went to see his grandma; tongs and i went for sports. Yeah... i realised... cannot make it... my body so lousy... :( haha

Okay... let me talk abit about my visit to the hospital on last thursday... the doctor was the same one as in my previous appointment --- yeah, i remembered that he asked me to do bloodtest on that day itself, but it slipped my mind before that... so i didn't do the blood test at all. anyway, we have another appointment made le... yeah... what was interresting was the content of what the doctor told me: some was what i know earlier... but some was not... he told me that my brain did not stimulate two kinds of hormones which he was supposed to; he also told me that the pills and jabs that i eat can not give me the same result as the natural form... the natural form from the brain would have a funny reading one... but the pills and jabs was only able to make sure that i don lack it in my body... which was not good according to the doctor. i never asked the doctor if it will affect my body physically because it was because of this that i was sent to the doc by CMPB rite?  okay...

there was something else... not nice to post it here.

yeah... ytd everything closed in peace... i felt so pecaeful and relieved that it was as though a big rock was taken off my chest finally. the scene had finally closed.  good night.

Okay... so yesterday was a very fun day... now i have limited network access caus my sister mugging in maple in her own dreamland. disrupting my life. So i will look for partime job le... don have to face her sarcastic remarks. Sometimes she just like to put me down. When i learn songs, she always must say things to put me down one. LIke i suck lidat... ok maybe i do. Maybe in her eye i cannot make it.

Back to the main point, yesterday i did really enjoy myself... do not count in the fact that: 1. i cut my foot on my right leg without realising till dinner time. 2. i walked to and fro from siloso to palawan barefooted twice - - okay but that was quite fun except that that was what have caused my leg to get injured. :D

So what was fun? Everything. Just that we had lack of people. We need more people to join us. So what happened was chng said his brother and him could not join us because his grandma was vomitting quite badly; and David's experiencing pain in his leg.

Yeah... sometimes it's very funny. I don't know why i like to keep myself sane inside church but outside church i might just drop my screw eh? okay... someone commented that i'm a bit unnatural - - not myself in one way or another. is it because i'm more sane in church or because they only know me to be sane? haha... what a funny idea? but i like. BUt it is very funny because it's only now that i realise that i don't have enough fellowship with brothers and sisters. so i like outings like this. i like to see people expose me and say something like, "you're not yourself." that'll be not common but soon it'll be. Thank God.

Okay... now i want to readdress to my health. So now i'm a bit feverish -- big deal. Only the fact that my mom grounds me and my dad agrees with my mom. They just don't like me to hang out - - - not because of anything but because they want me to be there to take care of their precious daughter - - - and i can't believe they could cook up such unreliable and lame excuses just to keep me home. I'm not really that sick either.

What i want to say is that, my parents, knowing that i'm not a very well person, like to keep me at home ba. Cause i'm dealt with so many different types of illness since young, and many of it i still carried with me. I can't believe CMPB's holding me back for NS just because of some issues which i'm not aware of. Now they call me to do more blood tests and they want to make sure i'm in teh right state to go in. My energy level's depleting, yeah so? I still like to do things my way. Cheers. Don't like to go down to CMPB every now and then. I"m quite ill.That's also one of the reason and factors that's holding me back from doing certain things. It's also one of the thigns that make sure i don't fall the wrong way.

Yeah. so  i did enjoy myself on beach. And happy birthday to the birthday girl Mee! Haha...

i'll keep it short for now... cause sis might be waking up anytime... (she mugging in maple... in her own dreamworld now... )so she will want to go online every moment in her conscious state.

okay.. ytd went to visit David... it was very funny... ok. He remained cheerful despite the fact that he was wounded. Think he has to wear the cast for quite some time. Yeah... and the family dog was so cute and friendly, so well tamed. I guessed David learnt to put trust in the Lord... despite getting injured, he knew that the Lord was with him and that doesn't seem to waver his faith in God at all. Sometimes i just don't know how come the Chng brothers are so special... their faith is strong in the Lord. Thank God. 

Okay. I'm currently reading Living Water (for those who thirst) and i find that it's a very meaningful book. I'm also in the process of converting the book into soft copy so that anyone can read it offline. Nathaniel was the funny one to say. He told me about copyright laws, and said that i was breaking the law if i do that. I freaked for a few seconds, and i realised what he said made little sense. Okay... so someone can tell me whether it's wrong to convert into soft copy and let ppl who thirst spiritually to read the book. Besides i'm not converting the entire things... only most of the things... since i have some free time now. Dad wants me to get a job first, so it seems... but then ya... i'm looking for jobs now. so anyone with jobs to offer thanks also wor. :p

That's about it for now. Will update at 4am tml. Bye. *Cheers*

Yeah... back from church Camp. Want to know what happened? hehehehe.... very funny.
First day was supposedly be my happy day -- it was my birthday -- and not to forget that i had so-and-so in the same coach with me = quite a piece of good news since you have to consider that it'll be a 'whole day ride'. Okay, anyway, something happened and it turned sideways.   To give u guys an idea, i had many thinkings in my mind on what i might want to end up doing in the bus since it  was going to be a long and dreadful day. But then Stanley went up to the two girls and did something which i didn't know what it was exactly till ytd, and the two girls turned their heads, and i was like -- ???!???!???!???! anyway... i was just kidding myself. Like Vanessa i had the habit of thinking too much at times... but i'm learning to be mindful of my thoughts... and i guess when i've reachhed that stage, everything will be at peace/

Anyway, i was freaked out. So i ended up doing nothing. Yeah... but i ... yeah... struggled with myself la... very de farnier in the bus. I pretend nothing here nothing there... pretend pretend all the way... actually got something but i made it look like nothing. Okay... i know u all don't understand but just take it as it is cause i don't know how else to put what i've experienced in the first part of the day in words.

Oh yeah... i lost my name tag twice. The first time i lost it, it was during discussion i think. The sisters who i shared the same table with during lunch prayed for me and we found it *YEAH!* but guess what, i lost it again on friday evening on the dining place outside there at the beach. Oops... i didn't think i would be able to find it, despite praying and beyond all things... but then thank God... while having cell meeting, Mou Shen brought it back. Which was... er... very weird. Cause i checked with Mou En and he told me he found it in his room... very the weird. How can it be in his room when  i never entered in there? So funny rite? Okay.. i will not mislead u guys into thinking what actually happened... even i didn't know. Anyway, it was through God's grace that i managed to find my name tag twice. otherwise i will have to pay 20 ringgt for the room card -- not a pleasant thing to experience.

Oh yeah... God wanted me to learn something for giving me Benjamin as my room mate --- pls don't be stunned by what i say. Yeah, i mean just that. Anyway, i was a bit more than disappointed when i learnt that i would have to be spending my days with Ben... because i was hoping for a certain someone else who could guide me on. No offense Ben, we had our good time too  ddidn't we? :p  one of the things that i have to learn to overcome for the first few nights is -- shhh... secret. Cannot tell... haha...Initially  i had problems sleeping because of this... but despite that i believed that the air con was too strong for me to bear and in the end i have to end up waking up at 4am sometimes in the morning to get a hot bath... which i certainly do enjoy. But then at the later part of the day, things get drowsy for me and i will get KO'ed sometimes during the message... but not more than 30% of the time la... haha...

Okay... for message: I seriously had another hard problem other than trying to keep awake for the first 15 mins. If u all are asking why it's only the first 15 mins that i'm trying hard to keep awake, it'sbecause i realised that most of the times during msg, it's always after the first 15 minutes, that i become more energetic and i could afford to take notes. Thank God. I couldn't afford to be falling asleep throughout.

Okay, before i continue any further, i want to thank God for giving us such a responsible brother (Chng) in my life. I find that even to Abel, i find it very hard for me to relate a lot of things now to him. Our gap is too far apart to be closed. Sorry Abel, this has got to be it. Our life become so much different. I really hope the time will come when we can close the gap. Back to Chng... i find that i complained a lot to him. Sorry...  but it was very funny. The first day he arrived in Kuantan (think it was wed) i complained a lot to him in the gym. I was like non-stop blabbering about certaing things that has happened during the camp. And the worst thing was i had no idea what i was talking. Anyway, knowing my burden, i think he went to told certain responsible brothers who managed to put my mind at ease.

To be exact i wasn't the type who needed the whole world to remember my birthday. but what i really wanted was just someone. A little someone at any point in time to just come up to me and tell me, "Hey, cheer up. I know everyone forgets your birthday... but u still have me as a good brother." etc... i mean i know i'm dreaming. Yeah i love to day-dream... cause i have good imagination. (bleah) but then i wasn't the type looking for a grand celebration either. I mean, i just want to have my fair share of laughter. Why is it that the whole world doesn't seem to remember me? Was it because i haven been doing anything happening? So at that night... on Monday... and Tuesday... because the anger was in me... there was a form of hatred i couldn't foresee... i was so angry with everything that was happening... that that... that i actually make this statement, "so i guess it's time to wake up my bloody idea and do some happening thing eh?" and yeah... wrong move. But glad that i didn't try anything funny. Anyway, i had a small celebration on Wed night. Not exactly my idea of celebration because i was suffering bitterly inside. And i was under a strict dieting. (funny rite... diet now... everyone must make funnny comments one leh... esp the older ones... then i like don know what to say.)

Okay... but that wasn't the point. because i wasn't looking for a celebration.

I wanted to thank God too... for giving us Nathaniel as a young brother... channel of Joy. I thank God for his pressence in the camp. Children -- blessings from God... Nothing seems to be able to put this yooung brother down. He's forever smiling... and it's a great joy to be in his company at times. Just like this young little fluffy friend -- hhah... so cute and nice to 'play with'.

And yeah... so to end this post... i'll end it by putting in some nonsentical stuffs... haha... i was trying very hard to phrase it before i typed to put it in such a way that all of you will understand. Okay... so i sat with tongs and daniel in front for message... why i didn't join abel at the back --> well i believed the answer was quite obivious... but then it's only fair for me to readdress to ppl like Abel who might notknow anything...

I shared with some that my focus seems to be wrong at certain point in time because i wasn't focusing all i had to God... it's like i had very little time when i was still studying...but i had more time for God then... but now when i had no study... prep for NS... looking for some work in the mean time... i had no time for God at all... the reason why i say no Time while i seems to be doing a lot of things was because i find that i cannot dedicate fully to God like i used to be able to as i'm very preoccupied with my own thinking... i began to day dream... so FARNIE... i don't know how to type from here le...cause i like to think and daydream... but i thank God for waking me up. Now i have to admit that we belong to different world. because i actually witnessed for myself the maturity the sisters from changi had in mental and spiritual -- Grace Cheo actually had some fellowship with them... that means a lot because now they all belong to the working world... where do i stand??????????????????? yeah... so now i felt so lost? i'm tired of chasing round and round. God never say there's always be sunshine, but he never say there'll be no rain either... but God promises a heart full of singing. Remember this line from the song, "Give them All?" i think now even i liked this song. So yeah... i'm the LOSER... haha... thank God for waking me up. Back to the world of reality when i can face the whole world... I just hope that i can continue to smile. 

Oh my goodness! Guoming's birthday is one day after that of Tongs and Jaclyn! What a shock (Okay... Guoming is my pal in TPSS and one of the young ones who had backtracked in Christianity. Pray to God for us that He may open up a chance for me to bring him back to a church --best if our church ba. Thanks  :p

Want to share the lyrics of this Song (i cant remember the title X_X)

Jesus take me as i am
I can come no other way
Take me deeper into You
Make my whole life melt away
Hide me like a precious stone
Crystal clear and finely honed
Light of Jesus shining through
Giving glory back to you.

Thank God we are all precious in His eye...

From now on i will use this place to:

1.) share what God has done for me in my life.
2.)shared the experience i had in my life.
3.)share some scandal... that's why now must have password... haha
4.)and of course about friends!
5.)will feature events where i had certain regrets.
6.)will also feature things i have changed perception to.

back to the blogging world again.the time now is 5.25am; i'm done reading samuel's blog a minute ago after reading the daily bread. okie...let's update about life. life this week has been either test, class test, phase test, practical tests,etc. thank God i've cleared them all now. Left only demo in the morning and one more final exam paper on tuesday.

Let's talk about something that mee has said in her blog -- putting on a mask. (sorry, i sincerely find a need for me to share what i am feeling now) sometimes i find it very hard to pretend that i don't know something when actually i do; and because of the people i have to face all the time, i find it very hard to make it. So i have to admit that i've been putting on a mask all these time, because sometimes even i don't know what i'm tryin to reach out for. There's a lot of things that i've wanted to put my hand on, but it's just not within my reach. Isn't it a lot better if all i could do was to pretend that i "do not know" so that everything will be very peaceful??? I'm saying all these because i find that i have to pretend i'm happy at times with nothing at the back of my head because i don't want to affect anyone else with my mood. But now i realise that even that might have been a wrong move. But then, come back to the point again, 'children will always be children" certainly i'm not refering to myself... if those of you who don't know what that line means is okay...take it that i'm just using the blogging area to put more thrash here.

Sometimes i feel that it's more of what i've done to people rather than what people have done to me. I feel the serious need of seeking someone responsible to be in m ylife to tell me what's going on now because i seriously think that i have a serious problem up there above my neck which i'm not aware of. Okay maybe many times in my life, people has been telling me not to feel too upset regarding something bad that might have happened. I"m very easily disillusioned by the things happening around me.

It's really a mad thing. I guess that's why i need a part time job desperately. I'm not erally that much in need for more money. But now i must work; i must drive myself to do ALL the thing. the reason being my mind must not be empty and free enough to think of things. I don't want my mmind to be mesmerised by thing around me. Can you imagine me with exams all around the corner, yet most of the time my brain's filled with thrash? not literally thrash; of course i read up and revise, but other than that there's other thrash in my brain... i shall not say what are the things that i've regarded as thrash for now. but i shall let u guys know in due time.

Suddenly realised that life's been rather empty. it's time for me to learn to be mature ba. Btw, many people have been telling me that i've been mixing with children too much. I have never think much of this line before, but now i'm really giving it a serious thought. this is because the 2nd person who told me that really makes me go head over heels. I didn't think that mixing with children would be wrong. Okay,i adore kids and now i think is the time to learn to set the limit and the line.

*Someone help me out. I'm still going mindlessly with that --- X_X

Oh well.. sorry that i've not been bloggin for quite some time... okie... now is reaching 7 in the morning... i have just roughly tried out the stuff for NDI phase test later... at 3pm.  so will rest one hour (means bathing and getting ready before coming online again at 8 to do more thing)... but before that there's been this thing that's been bugging me for some time now.

Chng has shared about his thoughts on blogging and it really hit a raw nerve. Oh... i agree with Mee that ppl who have 2nd opinions about u after reading ur blog might not be worthy enough to be your friends.... okay anyway, i still like Chng. and yes Chng, we can go drinking sometime -- when u grow older in 2 years time? haha

Oh... the other issue is i don't know what's going on with what Vanessa's post on Mee's site... about church stuff... and her post in her own site... about the emptiness... bring back memories huh? haha... the days when i felt so empty... to put it clearer... i've never felt this happy in church life before last yr seriously speaking... at that time i was just like ppl like my sis, church-goers style??? or ppl like stephanie... oh well they are all the same... i think i want to thank the ppl who change my life in church. They include the youth core ppl mainly... but most imptly it's IVAN... and now he's MIA.... don't know what he's doing now after his POP...

it's at this point in time when i felt the work of God working in our midst... that some 'rubbish' thing has to come to me now. The rubbish thing is that something that i think of in the morning... afternoon, evening... anytime la. Shucks... okay... i shouldn't be talking in this manner... ppl will miss my point. i just wish to make use of this chance to thank Lim Yong and the rest of the CFers too... Lim Yong brought me in CF during one warm afternoon in 28th December 2002. I remember this date clearly because something happened on that day too... shan't say wat... it's BIG mistakened SCANDALISED nonsense... i'm so thankful this didn't get going around in the church... hAHA... so for ppl who know... pls help by keepin it down.. thanks...

will blowill blog about what happened for cell and CF later when i come back from NDI phase test. pray for me guys!

Today quite fun and short in school... mr seeralan very funny... want to give us guideline... but begin from chpt 1... then like for the first one and half hour only manage to go through 4 chapters; only when someone shout for break then he realise, "orh, so late le...:" then last fifteen minutes or so... wa. do another 3 chapters...

Lunch is good today... o_O the vendor we always eat at close le... so sad... so i eat herbal chicken again... btw today different... we had Jun Jia and 'gang' for accompany... ---yeah... so nice... had a rather wonderful time leh... so i couldn't see what could spoil my day...

I used Project module time to do my VB case study...but cannot make it... forgotten completely how to link to the database in access... mark also KO'ed... haha... so in the end spent more time struggling there instead of doing... haha... but of course managed to come out with something in the end... oh i just realised i have this rather small blue black on my forehead... this was the result of ytd war... so funny... ron sat on my right... kelvin stood behind me... then both 'attacked' me.. .-what the hack... Ronald jabbed me... twice somemore... instantly cannot tolerate nonsense, so i beat his hand on his third incoming attack... kelvin touched my head... what the--- like what sia!!! cannot make it... so i beat his hand away too... then they stopped for 10s... i pushed their hands to the wall to stop them from making more attacks... then what the ... Kelvin suddenly with two swift moves, one hand to my neck, the other to my head... did some force push on my head to the down direction... i struggled a while... then suddenly... one loud 'BONG' --> think the whole class can hear... cause after that all i could remember was the commotion about my head... one word only that can describe --PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then hor... buei tahan... after 15 mins... everything settled down... take our two past years paper... can go le... that was ytd... then this morning we discovered the blueblack on my forehead... haha... thank God i'm still rather sane from that.... i tot i have to end up at ang mo kio 'esplanade' (we're refering to the famous place entitled 'woodbridge').

Yeah... that's all....

Okay... ytd sunday school was fun... we rounded up on the topic 'premartial intimacy'... Stephanie and i crapped around a bit... okie... she's beginning to learn to open up... which is good rite? haha... yeah...
Watched a DVD Uncle Mun Wai brought back from America called "Left Behind". I was rather tired and i couldn't sustain sitting at the seat... think i doze off now and then X_X... too weird le... anyway, i stood up and washed up my face la... It was Unc Meng Khiang's birthday too... :) how nice... i'm sure he enjoyed his day too... how nice
Oh yeah... went home after that... felt a bit tired and ... blur... anyway... didn't rest much either... i realised i either surf net nowadays when i reach home or merely rotting... sad rite? exams in two weeks time and we're doing this kind of thing... hahA... okie... will revise later...it's over... ko...
Anyway... my parents returned in the evening to find me resting at my bed... oh well... out of point. All i remembered hearing in my subconsciousness trying very hard to struggle to wake up was that my sister were yelling something out of her mouth... something that sounds like, "China... Beijing.... 8days... " yeah... so when i finally managed to get myself up, my parents were about to leave with my sister to somewhere. My mother asked me, "Do you want to go China?"
"When?" i asked back.
"17th... june."
I didn't know what was wrong... i instantly answered no. The thing is i know then that i have nothing on on 17th June!!!! funny rite... keep on laughing... i don't know what's wrong... maybe i just want to be alone... yeah... sometimes it just don't feel right for me. Okie... i'll share something more relevant... so initially then i tot my parents will be leaving with my sis for Beijing ... they were worried that i wouldn't be able to care for myself for one week... what the heck... so my dad initially wanted to stay back one... but then i'm trying to convince themselves now. the tickets are on hold... but i'm sure they'll settle in this week... caus my sis wants to chop chop finish settle things one...
Yeah... i want to try something out... want to go somewhere remote... rest ... of course it would sound odd if i say i want to do this alone... haha... so yeah... i nid some companions... haha... LAme... okay... if u guys got any work for me to do, pls introduce me... cause now... i don't know what's going to happen... i can't be going to NS for now... caus i'm still on medication and the docs have not come to a conclusion --meaning in short time i won't be getting myself in the camp yet.
Then... Poly... cannot also... caus they want full cert then.. .so we have to wait till september then try our luck again for registeration... for jan intake... so i reckon unless anything out of the unexpected happen, i'll be free for this period of time until... December>??? haha... so hAPpy... like reall.. if i can't find any job i'll be in real dire straits... time to learn to spoon feed myself... haha... no worries worse come to worse i might just end up like Ronald, work in pub full shift get $1700 a month... haha *kidding kidding*...

Hmm... many things happened today... so i shall go in sequence. :) Cell meeting: we watched the video that chng has prepared for his grp initially; it was something on revolutionarise ministry, evangelism, etc. Oh well, the audio wasn't quite clear so forgive me because seriously speaking i couldn't make tail or head of what they were trying to drive at.  After that, we had a short singing session; it comprises of 3 relatively new songs that we've sang recently in the CF singspiration and one new song from Galvin's 2003 works. Yeah... chng is really very efficent; notes, powerpoint, video, audio, prayer request -cell sheets, --> so organised; i'm amazed at the way he does work. *oh ya Chng not that i didn't talk much, but i talked too soft ba? sometimes i don't even know myself whether i want others to hear what i think either. :( *

After cell meeting, we had CF. I finally realised that i have not learnt much and do not know how to relate to others regarding the book Character of God's Workman by Watchman Nee. IT goes to shows that i need to put in ALOT MORE preparation and post-review work before the final thing on 28th May if i want to be able to relate better to the CF on the topic evangelism in the Purpose Driven Life. And oh ya, Jian Rui joined us *so nice and encouragin*  So sad... i felt that i've not been a  good Christian... all the bad things i've picked up last year... haiz... drinking alocohol was a first... and 6 shoots in the first night within 1 hour at that... so horrible... oh well what am i thinking...

After CF, we went to Subway for dinner --> i missed eating the sandwiches there! it rocks! i think we all went mad beacuse all of us weren't in the right mind ba? HAha... so funny... Chng practically and literally went mad. Haha... we went crapping around... then Chng ordered 12 inch bread; finished already still say not full... then Mee finished after him *hers one 6-inch*; Chng then say we ALL LOUSY... X_X... so bad... haha... but who cares? i think the mad Chng is certainly more entertaining than the norm Chng... haHA...

Tongs took us to the airport to send the Kohs off... oh well... all the parting... sometimes just can't help feeling sad. Jethro, Jevan and Jacinth --> each are so special in their own ways; i know i will definitely will miss the two boys; they are playful, but they know their limits and they definitely know when to stop. I think i will miss their nonsense; who knows what we all will be 3 years down the road or so when they returned back to Singapore from Turkey?? let us all remember them in our prayer that the Lord will provide for them in Turkey, a good place to live in, good neighbours, a kindergarten where Jevan can enrol into, a school where jethro can get into, and that Jacinth will be able to re-adapt herself in the familiar environment. May the Lord be with them!

Oops... going home was a bit of hassle... but who cares? I mean, we al lhave our fair share of fun; just want to make use of this chance to thank Tongs and Daryl again for taking the trouble for sending me out to a convenient spot at Pasir Ris for me to be able to make my way home. Oh well... life's so fun all the times. Sometimes i wonder what i really want to do. Hmm..  i think i'm ready to move on. I want to join in one more ministry... but i don't know if God will use my hands or not... So i'm going to get Choon Guan to pray for me tomorrow; let's see the reply in one week's or month's later... tehn we'll know. Nevertheless the result i will keep the rest of u guys updated!

Today is not a good day... presentation cannot make it. Cause MingYuan try to smoke his way out; he didn't give the lecturer a definite Yes or No, but obiviously trying to smoke his way through. Worst, he didn't know what he was doing. I think i will fail. Forget it.

This guy is no good. Why is he such a bimbo...how can he be so selfishly think for himself only? he didn't design the counter for the stuff... yet he got the face to claim that he did that part, when all he did was surfing the initiaD forum... everyone who got eye in the class can see that. Ooh well.. what a disgrace to myself X_X... even Shai told me, "Relax... relax..." after my presentation; shows how upset i've shown in my face. Aiya...

He's rubbish indeed la... no wonder no one wants to do with him initially... so it shows that it's no good to sympatise with someone... or to team someone up just because u pity him or wat... it makes u look like a loser too... oh well..

Okie... if u all think that sounds shallow and a bit... mean... or u know? Well... this is the continuation. I had wanted to condemn him a bit more and put him down further here in my blog, but then the words of someone keep coming back to me in my mind. I use someone because i felt quite awkward to put his name down... see... lack of fellowship oops. Okie... will do my part in fellowshiping soon esp. in Church Camp... will TRY... okie back to the point about what the someone says... i can't remember the entire thing but he mention something about shunning against someone, "it's okie if others are shunning against him, but are u guilty of doing the same thing?" note that the 'him' here was just an example used then with no personal attacks on anyone... so ya... if i am guilty, then i am just as bad as anyone else...

I guess right now, i have to learn how to make wrong things look right and right things look more right. It's very hard right? Okie... Jacinth's leaving tomorrow night... was wondering if there's any other thing that we can help her with... *Obiviously not*. Anyway, i'm more concerned about what i can do for tomorow's morning. So bored.. was thinking if i should turn up in church earlier to stone in there; but decided not as i think i'll probably end up shopping for nothing or end up in some LAN shop which happens few time this year le...

Why... why... why... alot of things has happened these few weeks... one of the things that hit me quite hard is that i've  not been too nice to Abel these few weeks... don't know why... it's that i keep feeling that he's not shown enough concern for me during the weeks when i was so upset with certain issues... and last week when i was hit with that double blow (or was it the week before?) anyway... i think my attitude towards him hasn't been very good then; i used words like, "see la... i got problem then u like don't care..." like very immature like that... think i nid to have a good talk with him sometime when i can... oh well... when i'm upset i just can't think of what i can't be found doing... u never know...

Another issue that has been bothering me is that i haven't been able to control my emotions nowadays... blogging seems to carry my mind away at times, but it's good that things are going my way, at least it seems so to me. I find it troublesome and bothersome that sometimes i have to spend so much time thinking on things that never last. Everything we do might end up been meaningless; that's what the book of eccelesiasites has been teaching... oh welll... all these things that i've been doing... what is it for? sometimes i've lost my direction in life, but i guess i'll pick it up and walk from where i started.  Thanks guys...

First of all, pls pray for me that i'll do fairly well for tomorrow's presentation that i won't screw up because it's quite important to my final years result. Lolx...

Hmm... today several groups did their presentation today... power wor. Esp. Faizal's group; i think he sure can get distinction one loh... power sia.  Oh well... tomorrow's my turn; to trust MY is so funny.. it was a wrong move because he practically screwed up. I don't think i can depend on him for the final year report one. Cause he no QC. haha...

I think i'm suffering from severe lack of rest. If u notice, the dark shades are all around my eye -_-" and i think i can do with a few hours of extra sleep...  but then even with the time to rest i will have problem sleeping too... guess it all boils down to committing everything to the Lord... before this i tot that i have managed to let go of most things; now i have assured myself that it's definitely not so anymore. So much things i still hold on to, refusing to give it all to the Lord, to trust Him... sometimes i doubt myself. Is it because i can't let go of it, or if there is other reasons? haiz...

A bit stressed... just that tiny bit. Cause i don't know what i really want to do now. i mean as in after ITE. To let u all know, next week is the last week of school (considered offical); following which will be the 1-week study week (for one paper) and after that the tuesday will be my System Admin paper; then end of everything. All the time will be mine; thank God. I wish to use my remaining two weeks before Church camp to earn a few bucks first; after church camp earn more, until i get posted somewhere, either SP, or else wait till sep then try my luck again and see where God will put me in. Yeah...

Enough about school.. let's talk something light-hearted. Hmm... today i'd actually wanted to do something...  but i guess i have to put hold on it... cause no money... haha *-* need to earn some first ba... oh ya. Ronald was very funny today. Ask him what he want to do after ITE, as in future planning. This is an excerpt of our conversation:

Me: Where do u intend to go after ITE?
Ron: Road-sweeper.
Me: !!! Road Sweeper! Why did u bother to come into ITE???!!!
Ron: ... Being an efficent Road Sweeper has always been my dream job.
Me: Oh yeah rite. So where do u want to sweep at? See if i have lobang for u anot...
Ron: Central area... more rubbish for me to clear...

Okie... obiviously i know he didn't mean it. but why is it that everytime ppl ask him about this he has to give such kind of reply. it's not funny seriously speaking, but everytime when i asked him this and he gave me this kind of reply, i will not be able to control my mood and just laughed it all out.

What to say... he's Ronald Goh... special guy... talk less... work in such a complicated area... slp onli 4 hrs a day (just like me... what in the world is this becoming to?) ... then still can tolerate school and work... man i respect him.

Okie.. .i'll end off with this... i have been thinking too much i know... and i tend to let my mind go haywire all the time. Sometimes it's because i don't know what i want, and i just allow my mind to go everywhere for all i care. this is me. the real me. I seriously lack a sense of direction in life. How sad... why isn't anyone out there for me to hold on to? I guess we all put on mask to face one another, but i wonder how ppl c me in their mind. Maybe i'm a poor actor and a bad child. I am someone who seemingly do all the bad thing??? i don't know... sometimes i felt that even being ignorant can be a blessing at time...maybe it's because i think too much, talk too much, eye too small, finger nails too long  (look like freak to me), etc etc... but well, who would wan things this way if they get to chose? i think this is where what Chng says come into the picture to serve as a reminder to me: U dye hair because u are unhappy with the image God has given u... so i guess it applies everywhere. U go to a plastic surgeon also because u are unhappy with the image God has given u huh... sound so true... but i can't come to terms with it frankl speaking... haiz... i hope i can accept this as part of a test... God has put me into ba... thanks arh Chng... ur words are always so surprisingly full of wonder...

Life's so weird yesterday...woke up from the wrong side of bed yesterday. Many were asking what was wrong with my hair. I seriously don't know... :p but it must have looked funny to many people. Haha...and oh ya.. if u all are wondering why i'm blogging in the morning, it's because my sis seemingly now want to surf  online at night. so i can turn in early and wake up more early than usual. So nice of my sister c.... like real.

Phase test was relatively okie today; except i screw up the last part where i couldn't join the domain -_-!! what a joke. How come others could and i can't one arh? Not first time i do leh... so funny. Then in the end, even the lecturer himslef couldn' troubleshoot the problem -- so funny. Caus in the end he can't take away too many marks either, because he can't solve the problem too. :)

And after lunch, something weird happened. Don't know if it got anything to do with my routine all day long. I felt drowsy all of a sudden; and for the rest of the day i was not in a very clear state. THis happened such that i couldn't focus at all and i was practically falling apart. i was like falling asleep for 70% and awake for the remaining 30% throughout the remaining of the day. I only seriously waked up in the evening before going home because i thought something serious going on; Sunny seems to have done something to one of the classmates' in my class. Don't know why Sunny went 'sot' yesterday. So many idiots running about like monkeys making so much noise he don't bother... haiz. Let me show you all a few examples of the mad things going on: 1. Kenny was attacked by ppl (don't know he started it or what); ppl were trying all their best to shut down his pC... the ways they use are so farnie. from shutting down remotely, locally manually and even plugging out the power socket. So funny!!! If you see how Kenny put the CPU under his feet, it was even WORSE. Only Ronald was the smart one who can think of other ideas... like taking out the mouse ball... hide it away... so that he can't use in convenience. So funny... then Kenny retaliated... come off Ronald's pc... then cannot make it; so switch off directlyfrom the main extension---what the hell.. my one also kana off... then i also 'declare war'. hAHA... it's so funny i cannot stop laughin.  Oh okie... that's about it.

Hmm... nothing much to say nowadays. Poor Melvin (Ho)... he seems to be already under the grasp of someone else. Ytd he seemingly was observing me... oh well, after all that has happened, he still doesn't realise the danger of being with that person? There's got to be a reason why i left him. So now i can safely assure that many people must have thought that i'm the villian in this show huh? I rather don't explain myself then. What for? Make things worse? After all anyone with enough brains can see that i'm innocent. To summarise, i feel that HE is getting incorrigible. No one can help him at this stage of life le.

Before i end, i just liked to add in this -- life's get bored and lonely at times, but if u learn to look to the Lord in all you do, there's nothing much for you to fear. One week ago while chatting with Chng, when i told him i felt so bored and lonely at times, he told me, "Read the Bible. It always works for me." Oh well... Chng might have obiviously know that the answer that i'm looking for is not this. I really needed something to stop me now. ARGH. I hate it when i have to think like mad. Life's so mad and there's nothing i can do.

Maybe... it might be a good thing to miss someone once in a while? It gets hilarious for me at times when i thought of this question.  Sometimes when i miss someone, i just felt so out of the normal. It just doesn't seem  right for me to feel longing for someone. It's not painful, it's just getting hopeful. Sometimes, even a simple 'hi' from that special person in ur heart may do the wonders for the day...only that we don't even know each other at ALL... and to make things worse i believe that she doesn't have good impresion on mE... how nice... *X_X* ... i didn't know it could be so .. weird to long... for something... oh well... i should learn to accept God's plan as it is, hard as it may seem but surely it is the Best PLAN for us... that's it ba...

Oh... Oh well, just came back from church... hmm... dunno what i should update on... my mind's abit spoilt. *using wrong version of RAM in my brain now* okie... well...

Today's considered the last Sunday we'll see Uncle Edwin and his family in church. They'll be leaving on this coming Saturday (or so i heard) on night flight. *Will see if i get the chance to send u off* --> oh well. I  I have to admit that it's been a blessing to have this family with us for these few months. Each of the children brought me special memories. Eddie and Mary's testimonies has made a question in my mind -->what have i been doing after all these years? Is what i have done considered enough service?Jacinths' presence has taught me several things in life --> i consider her a unique blessing to everyone of us in her short stay here.  And the two brothers Jethro and Jevan are also fun and nice children who i believe will one day grow up to become like their parents.

Today... worship ministry --> how? oh well, considered ok ba... don't see myself screwing up alot... *definitely here screw up a bit there a bit all the time one loh* i'll give myself 6/10? oh well... next time then improve ba... oh ya happy belated birthday Lim Yong *like you'll see this lidat -- haha* oh well... speaking of Lim Yong, i really have to thank him too. In case you all don't know what happened, Lim Yong was the reason i am where i am today ba i guess. I'd known about the existence of CF (or YPF, depending on how u call it then) since i was here... but it was after 2002 junior Camp that i had thought about joining CF. At that time, the theme for JC revolves around Service too. Reason why i joined CF then was because i was feeling bored one Saturday... having nothing to do... so i called Lim Yong up. At that time i didn't know him very well; it was Joel Tan who was his carer then 'introduced' me to him. It was also then during the Thanksgiving Rehearsal that i got his no. So well, i attended my first CF at Benjamin's place at Khatib --> it was a sharing session?? was it? oh well, at that time i had an enjoyable day. We had singing, sharing, dinner, playing. I could still rmb Ferris sharing a lot of things with me then. mostly about NS...

Oh well, let's talk about now ba... today... quite an experience for me... cause i have a 'hard time' trying to figure out the ending song Uncle Federick chose today --> i can't rmb the title but it wasn't quite surprising for myself how i managed to survive it through --> i guess God was there all along, guiding my hands ba... oh well... and ya. Today is Gospel on Changi's side. Forgot to post on Prayer Request website for all to pray for the salvation of the unbelievers that the Lord might touch their hearts.  Oh well, i'm sure the CHangi side will pray earnestly too...

This Chng eh... he's mad. I tell u he's real mad. So i was right. He knew the differences between gossiping and sharing --> can u believe he's so mad, he refused to tell me how i can differentate the two? After all, if he don't tell us, later we do gossiping when we meant to share, then how? our fault eh? wa lau... like that he's half a stumbling stone leh... *kidding, la* Oh well, all's well.  that's it. -peace out for now-

I was wondering what i was thinking throughout the whole day. I must have been crazy. Oh well... no harm done. Let's do this again next time. :( In case you all are wondering what i was refering to, let me tell you what i've done...

I hate saturday, the saturday in the month when i had to turn up at the hospital for jabs. The reason being i hate jabs; i don't like to go to hospital either... the idea of it just makes me sick. So this morning, it was around 10 20 when i finished my business there; then i didn't know if i shld go home or go straight to Sam's place; in the end i went to Bishan Junction firz... thinking of proceeding to his place when all of a sudden i just hold back --> don't ask me why i don't know either... in the end i tot i could do with a movie; but then i do away with that in the end. I had to rot 4 hours away by myself. waste of time hor.

ANyway,  i was wondering if things are going right. OH well, today there's CF committee meeting (okie, i know i'm not in the committee; i just want to know what's going on that's all ). In the end the youths (meaning us -->chng tell me clearly pls!) will have to take a session on 28th May --> they were hoping if we could do a review on Purpose Driven Life. -_-!! orh hor.... this time cham le... haha. Actually this is also the time for us to put what we've learnt into practice and share with others what we have learnt.

Oh ya, after that we had some sharing on Discipleship and Service by Uncle Meng Khiang. It surprises me a little that Amanda and Beatrice actually turned up too! And ya! Jian Rui too (after so long) so encouraging. Haha... oh well, Uncle Meng Khiang was sharing about whether we are 'saved' --> as in really being saved. How we priotrise our stuffs in life and such --> it was a bit dry and i was a bit tired.. oh well, don't forget what i'm going through. Wear and tear. Eheh...

Next was Barbecue... starting the fire was a real joke. Haha... i'll spare u all the craps whereby we dirtied our hands with charcoals instead of using tongs... etc. Well, crapped around a little with Sam and company; but it seems we are back to the issue of 'gossiping'. Okie so here goes: What's the big deal about Gossiping and Sharing? I mean, where's the line? Okie... i tot about it and come out with no conclusion. Reason being this kind of thing is grey one. THere's no absolute right or wrong. I'm sure Chng can convince us if he REALLY wants to, but i wonder what he was thinking? Maybe he was afraid we might start another roll; after all this kind of thing can really be bothersone at times. Oh well, i just realised I crapped too much rubbish in Sam's and the rest presence. They might not be able to take it ba... haha... will have to watch out... Poor Chng... have to tolerate my Absolute Zerotic Nonsenstical Nonsense. 

I'm home early because i finally decided that i needed to come home early to prepare for tomorrow's songs. The only problem was i just realised that i have never played "Great is Thy Faithfulness" before and i dont' recall running that before. So tomorrow morning, i would have to go down REAL early to try that out from the hymn book. It sounded a bit weird when i tried it myself. I'm upset with my sis..she used my tape to record other ubbish... xxx